20 posts tagged “love”

It has been a while since I've updated on VOX. I feel kinda bad that I have been neglecting my VOX *lol* It's just that I haven't been up to writing all too much lately. There is much to write about, but I just haven't been in a sharing mood. I've been trying to catch up with school and getting ready for prom and the summer.

School is going alright. I messed up big time, and now I have to work extra hard to get my grades back to being decent. I'm in danger of failing because I haven't been going like I should. You would think that I would have learned my lesson the first time I did that and ended up behind, but old habits die hard. When it comes to school, I just don't motivate myself like I should.

Coming into a new school during the middle of the school year when everything is all settled and set in stone, is hard to transition into. I'm still learning my way around Bowsher and I'm finding it hard to get into things. The school year is almost over, so everything is pretty much limited. I was on the rack team for about a week. I loved it! I don't know what it is about running, but I love it! To me, it's a stress reliever and it helps me to focus. I was excited to be on the team, and I went to school more because of it.

After a couple of days, I just didn't feel as if I fitted in with the team. Most of them have been on the team since 9th and 10th grade, and had been conditioning for the season since the beginning of the school year. Because I was new, I was basically pushed t the side and I felt left out. So, I quit going to practice after a while and eventually I quit.

I spoke with my coach yesterday, who seemed pretty disappointed in my decision to quit. I told him that track wasn't for me, and that maybe things would've been different if I would have gotten on the team earlier. He got high hopes by thinking that I was a 10th or 11th grader and that things could still go well with me on the team, but was quickly disappointed again when I told him that I was a senior. I would have loved to stay on the track team, but I felt that it just wasn't for me. I might tr again in college. It all depends.

Because of my bad decision, I will be taking summer classes to try to get my high school diploma before fall college classes begin. I can still go to college while trying to get the rest of my high school credits, which is great, but I'm just  highly upset at myself because I would've been done and graduating with the rest of the class of '08 if I just would've went to school on a regular basis.

At Inkster High, I was going to school all the time, and I was a 4.0 student! I was happy there. I was in ROTC and quickly moving up in the ranks, I was on the drill team, I was on the track team, and I was going for softball too. Now I'm a student that hardly goes to school, failing every class that I have, close to giving up and dropping out (it was a thought, but i'm not going to go through with it), and i detention all the time for tardies (long story).

All my teachers find it hard to believe that I'm failing, and they all want to see me pass. I'm trying my best to fix what I've done. It's hard, but it's my burden that I have to carry. I chose to do what I did, and now I'm dealing with the consequences.

In other news,  prom is quickly approaching! Next Friday is prom, and I'm super stoked about it. My friend Paige is happy that I'm going. We're going with a big group of people and knowing Paige and her personality, I am bond to have fun. I don't have a date, but I'm not crushed about it. It is a known fact that going to prom is much more fun when you go alone. You get to flirt all you want and dance with who ever!!! *lol*

I'm going to look for a dress today. If I can't find one, then I have a back up dress. It's a cotton summer dress, and it's pretty. Cotton is a little informal, but I'm trying to work with what I have. It's black, and I'm going to have red accessories to accent it with, and a red flower to put in my hair. It fits the theme, and  I could dare less if it's cotton. It's different! Which is what I wanted *lol*

Back to Paige (this is a link to her mypace. it's private, but her pic is there). She is one of the most out going and out spoken people that I have ever met. She kinda reminds me of Nate. She's always the life of a party and she seems to attract people where ever she goes. I'm there to listen to her talk when no one else is and she's there to talk to me when no one else does. She's my best friend, and the only one that I have at Bowsher.  Sure, I disappoint her by not going to school all the time, but  not matter what... she's still my friend. Going to Bowsher isn't so bad, sometimes, knowing that she's there to listen to and make me laugh :)

Summer s quickly approaching also.  I'm planning to work at the zoo or cedar point during the summer. If I can't get a job at either of those places, then I'll be working at a fast food place. I don't now which yet. I've applied at McDonalds, but I haven't heard back from them.

Finding a job is hard. I'm planning to move out during the fall or late summer, and without a job... that's not going to be happening. I also have to pay for whatever my financial aid doesn't cover. I haven't sent in my FAFSA yet, so I'm not going to get too much money to cover all my expenses. I should have filled it out earlier in the year, but I'm a slacker *lol*

There soooooooooooooooooooooo many things that I have to do!!! Finishing school, finding a decent paying job, finding a decent apartment  is affordable and close to school, keeping up with the NBA playoffs, and trying to keep myself sane... it's all hard work  *lol* But I think I can make it through. I'm the daughter of  Idadi!  :)

In other news, my love life is kinda in the slow lane. I've been talking to a couple of guys that have caught my eye, but nothing fancy. All except for this one guy named Yusuf and this other guy named Sean (i met yusuf on myspace and sean and i both went to the same school but never talked to each other until he added me on facebook... i need to get out more *lol*).

Yusuf is HEE-LARRY-US! He's sweet and he keeps me laughing. Sean is sweet and he keeps me laughing too *lol* I like them both, but I'm not sure If I really want to get into a relationship right now. I still have some things that I have to work on and  I'm still  vexed by Nate. He has been pissing me off and irritating a little her lately (something that he may not know, but it's true), and I guess it's not because of anything that he did. It's more because of what I expected and because of my high hopes in him and what I think of him. So.. yeah. Sean and I are supposed to be hanging out sometime soon, so we'll see what happens when that time gets here. As for Yusuf, I really don't know. I really like him, but I'm still kinda iffy when it comes to him.

I'm quite happy to see that mi second madre is home and doing well. My prayers continue to go out to her and her family. I know that she will make a fast and successful recovery, and all will be well. She is tough :)

But anywayz, that's about ti for now. I guess I should get up and get ready to go if I plan on looking for a dress. I've been sitting around and playing NBA 2k8 all day. I just got it yesterday, and I LOVE IT!!!

Hope all is well :)

Me & That One Hella Bomb Dude!

First and foremost, I really want to tell you that I appreciate you for being you! I've always have. Others may see you as a softy, a fairy (tinkerbell *lmao*), a fag, or just plain ol' werid/lame, but I thank you for being you. Like I said last night, there aren't a lot of Nate's out there and when you do find one, you don't want to lose them.You're one HELLA SUPRA BOMB DUDE YO!!! and you mean a WHOLE HELL OF A LOT to me ^_^!!! So... anywayz, I wrote this poem. I've been trying to write it for a long time, but could never find the words or get my thoughts out in an understandable way. But after sitting here staring at this blinking cursor for hours on end (yeah... like the clock, i was sitting here looking at the cursor and thinking. go ahead and call me a lame, weirdo, geek, or whatever else you want to *lol*) and thinking about what you said last night, I just decided to typed how I felt. I didn't try to make sense of it. I even missed school because of it (paige is going to

hella kick mii ass when i go back *lol* i haven't been all week and i promised that i would be there today.). So.. yeah... here it is. If you don't get it or get lost (which it seems like you always get whenever i say something *lol*) it's coolz. I guess I wrote this more for me than for you. Anywayz... READ IT... UNLESS YOU WANNA DIE YO!!!!! and comments and thoughts are gladly welcomed yo :)

I Am Confused

I'm confused about what I want in life. I mean, I know what I want in life as far as what I want to be and where I want to go in life. I'm just not sure about what I want as far as love and relationship wise.

I'm 18 and I've only been in three... two  relationships (i really don't claim that 3rd person... long story *lol*). I'm not complaining about it, but it has me thinking about a lot of things.

You know that whole true love, fairy tale quest that we all (well, most of us) spend our whole lives trying to fulfill? Well, there are times that I think that I've done just that, but then again... I'm not all too sure. I mean... how can I say that it's for sure? Two relationships is not a lot to go on. Or could it be? Could it be true to find your "true" love just like that? I've only heard about it and seen it in stories such as snow white and sleeping beauty. I have sooooooooo many feelings that are making me believe that it could be found in real life.

Sometimes I think to myself: "Ebonni just forget it and move on. There are other guys out there.  I'm sure that what you're feeling right now is just a phase that you'll get over soon enough." So, I tried finding some other guy. There were many nice ones to choose from, but I never wanted to really find someone new. That one guy always kept me from wanting to find someone new. I don't want to let go only to find that he was the "one" all along. So, I hold myself back and blame him for being the reason why I don't know what to do whenever things don't go as i thought that they might.

I don't know what to do. Do I let go and continue my search? Or should I end my search? Is Mr. right sitting right here in front of me? Or is he still out there? Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many things tell me that I've already found him, but I'm not all too sure. How do you tell? Who's to really say?

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm extra sleepy, but I have a lot of things on my mind. It's two something now, and I'll probably be up until at least five or six. Hopefully not. It feels like I've been talking in circles and not making a bit of sense at all *lol*

Hope all is well :)

A Movie That'll Make You Think

Have you ever wondered why we continue to do things that we promised ourselves that we would never do again? No matter how many times we tell ourselves to never fall in love again, never to set yourself up for disappointment again, never to let anyone bring you down again, and what ever else, we allow ourselves to fall in love again, to be disappointed again, to be brought down again, and to be whatever else we have told ourselves to not allow to happen.
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe we do these things because we enjoy the emotions that come with them? That we do these things just to feel that rush, that high, that wonderful feeling that comes with them? For instance, let's take a look at love.

 
When you're in love, how do you feel? One might say that they feel happy. Another might say that they feel invincible, while another might say that they feel on top of the world! At school the other day, someone said that love makes them feel nauseous *lol* Everybody will have a different answer, but the first three answers are probably ones that you will hear the most. when you experience love, you are happiest. to feel love is the greatest feeling of all (in my opinion).
We spend half of our lifetime looking for the "perfect" someone. We look for love in everyplace that we can, just hoping to catch a tiny bit of that glorious sensation. In trying to do so, we end up tricking ourselves. One minute we found that "perfect" someone, we're high off of love, and everything is just great! The next minute, that high is gone and we're once again on a treasure hunt for love.

 
Do we trick ourselves into thinking that we love someone because of our addiction? If so, how can you tell the difference from actually really, truly loving someone, from just making yourself believe that you are in love with them just to feel like you're floating on cloud nine?

 
In a movie that I just recently watched (what the bleep do we know) this subject was brought up, and it really made me think. Like a heorin addict, we can become so addicted to our emotions that we set up certain situations/circumstances to get high off of it. Wether it be anger, sadness, happiness, love, lust, etc., we all have an emotion that we are addicted to. It can be more than one. It is up to us to decipher wether or not the things that we go through in life are reality or just our perception of reality.

 
We also use emotions to cover up things that we don't want to realize. For example, remember when there was that one boy/girl in elementary or jr. high that you just couldn't stand? You know, the boy that pulled your pigtails and teased you all the time for no reason at all or the girl that always seemed to think of you as a stinky boy and teased you for no reason at all. You like that person, but you don't like them, like them. But as time goes on, that "dislike" turns into something new. You get into that whole crush phase, and you don't see that person as the person that they were before. You start to like them, like them (i miss hey arnold! those were the days *lol*). Were those feelings always there, but you just didn't want to admit that they were, so you covered them up hoping that they would go away?

If you dont' get what i'm saying, don't worry. Take a chance to "watch what the bleep do we know". "What the bleep do we know" is a movie that will make you think and will open up your eyes to a whole new outlook on life. I highly recommend it. If you still don't get it after watching the movie, then don't worry. You'll get it later on in life. The things that we don't get in life, now, will eventually reintroduce themselves to you in a simpler form that you will be able to understand. You just have to have a clear mind.

On another topic, I recently found out that I will not be able to gradutatewith the class of 2008. I am missing too many credits, and unless I can find a miracle and try to make up some of them now and over the summer, I will be in high school for another year. I'm  not all too upset about it. I knew what the consequences of my actions would be when I chose to do them. I'm going to try to do my best to finish over the summer. I'm already accepted into one college (owens community college), so if I can get my credits over the summer, then I'll be able to go in the fall. If not, I'll take some classes to start earning college credits towards my degree, during next school year.

I still miss Inkster high, but Bowsher is starting to grow on me. I have a new BFF, named Paige, and I have some other friends too. bowsher is different, so I'm still learning to adjust to it. On the bright side... if I spend another year there, I'll be able to graduate with Paige and I'll be in our new building! That's not enough incentive for me to want to stay though *lol* 

Other than that, nothing else has been going on. I've just been dealing with school, and trying to find a job (i've been filling out applications like CRAZY!). There is an updat about that weekend with Brian. He never came, because his phone broke so we weren't able to reach each other. Yeah, so... that's about it. I'm off to go watch some Inuyasha (i love that show!), and to eat (one of my fav things to do! *lol*).

Hope all is well :)

Frustration! The Game That Drives You POPPING MAD!

Frustration is exactly what I'm feeling right now. I feeling a WHOLE LOT of it!!! Not only do I feel hella frustrated, but I HELLA hurt!!! I can't go back to sleep, I have A LOT of things on my mind, I'm irritable and to the point of where I just want to say, "FLUFF ALL THIS LOVE BULL CRAP!!!!!!!!", because I have had enough of it!

I was talking to Brian last night, and I fell asleep. I finally decided to get off the phone after he called my name (20 times, or so he says) and woke me, I decided that maybe I needed to go to sleep. Before I was headed on my way to the bed, I stopped at the computer for a lil' bit. I logged onto messenger and saw that Nate was on. I say, "hey". We talk about some thing that he's trying to get for his X-BOX and then it gets into this whole thing abou the me and Brian decision (i told him that i was going to give me and brian a try... i went back and forth and decided to go with my first choice). It all started with a question that I asked him.

When I told him about Brian and I, he said, "I guess I'm free now", so I asked him what that meant. He said that he couldn't exactly explain it to me then. I didn't press him further. But I asked if he read my VOX post (i <3 him alot!!! indeed!!! *lol*), because if he meant what I think he meant, then I didn't really feel all to free. After a while he read it already. Then he said this, "How are you thinking about me when you still have feelings for him?".... "You love me blah blah blah..." "I see where you coming from though. I guess I'm taking to long for you". That pushed me over the edge.

So, since I still have feelings for Brian and decided to take a chance with him... I can't think about you? If I wasn't thinking about you, I wouldn't have wrote the post in the first place! I wouldn't have gave a flying "fluff" about how you felt or what you thought. If I wasn't thinking about you, my decision would've been a NO FLUFFING BRAINER!!!! I wouldn't be going bacn and forth. Brian would've have been my first choice without any hesitations. For him to say the second part really hurt the HECK out of me.

It sounded as if he tried to say that I didn't love him or was trying to play some kind of game. I would NEVER tell someone that I love them if I didn't mean it or feel it. I take the phrase seriously and I believe that it is a phrase that shouldn't be thrown around without meaning. so I guess at that point all those poems, the times I spent saying that he was the greatest, and all the times that I said that I loved him... really didn't mean much to him.

I guess me writing a VOX post about me finding it hard to just take another chance with Brian because of him meant that I wasn't thinking about. I guess me saying that I finally decided to just take the chance but he will always be my bestest buddy and mi amor, and that I still loved him didn't mean a GOSH DERN THING EITHER!!!!

I guess he was taking too long for me. I tried to give him chances, but I guess he was just taking too long for me. You say that you love me but you wont take a chance. As much as I dislike long distance relationships, I'm willing to go through it. Because knowing that I have that person in my life makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. If our love is strong and if we have an understanding of each other, then nothing can break that bond that we share. I guess Nate didn't think the same way that I did. Idk...

After Nate said all that he did, I responded back with a very heated answer. He took the hint that I was pissed, and apologized. But I get the feeling that he really doesn't know how I feel at the moment.

I cried, I vented on VOX, I took some times to think, and I guess I'm feeling a bit better. I'm still sticking with my Brian decision. However Nate takes that... then he just takes it. I guess I wasn't considerate enough for him. I tried my best and that's all that I can do. 

The whole thing about me not feeling quite free, was that I didn't want to hurt anybody, and that's what made me confused in this whole thing. Either way I made my decision, somebody would've been hurt. All i was trying to do was make that person know that I loved them no matter what and I still cared about them. I guess I failed in that.

So... like... yeah... Brian is making a trip here next weekend. It's going to be kinda weird because it's been about a year since we last saw each other. It's crazy to think that around this time last year... we were together. When we borke up, neither of us thought that we would be rekindling what we had before. We're both kinda nervous about what will happen when he gets here and where things will go. The question on both of our minds is; Will we last if we get back together?". Nobody knows! At this time, we're just taking things slow (which didn't exactly happen the first time *lol*) and enjoying each other's company on the phone. Whatever happens between us is going to remain a mystery I guess until he gets here. Whatever happens... happens!

Well, I'm trying to not let the whole Nate thing get to me. I better get to bed. I have school, so I've got to get soem rest. Once I lay down, I hope that I will go to sleep A.S.A.P.

Hope all is well :)

Nathaniel Delove Smith ^_^!

If you're wondering about the last part of the title, don't.  It's an inside joke between my little brother (emanuel aka: pokey) and I. But it about sums up how I feel at the moment. I've been doing a lot of some fa cereal thinking, and I revoke the decision that I made between Brian and Nate. After playing some GH (i play video games to help me think... it takes my mind off of whatever I'm thinking about and i find solutions somewhere down the line.) I've come to the conclusion that I fa cereally (... that's not even a real word *lol*) love Nate. Ever since I made the first decision, I felt bad. Nate was all I thought about, and it was killing me. I'm in the process of rekindling a relationship with Brian, something that I've waited for, and I'm not sure if I want to go through with it. I said that I had my reasons for choosing Brian over Nate in my last post. I didn't go into detail about those reasons though. But now I am.

My main reason is based off of this conversation that we had on MSN messenger.

me: hey? remember if i asked you would we still be friends if me and wats his face got back together?
[19:12] Nate Smith: ya
[19:15] me: so we'd still be bestest buddies, and you'd still love me if i got back with wats his face... right?
[19:16] Nate Smith: yeah...love is way past being jealous or wat eva it is ur getting at....
[19:16] Nate Smith: but it wld suck
[19:16] Nate Smith: but yeah
[19:16] Nate Smith: I'm wit u for life boo
*wats his face = brian (that's what nate calls him)

I took what he said as that he will always be there. So my thinking is this... Brian might not and I felt that I needed to take this second chance before it was too late.

My decision was also based upon what my mom said. She told me that I needed someone that was going to support and provide for me. You can't live life on love alone. I thought about what she said and knew that Brian would be able to do so. Brian has a job and seems to be doing well for himself. Any girl would choose him. I was confident in my decision. Or at least I thought I was.

I was talking to Nate today and I couldn't go through with it without me feeling some kind of remorse somewhere down the line. So,  I changed my mind about Brian. A lot of what Nate said to me today made me realize that I <3 HIM A LOT!!! I can see myself with Nate. Not just in the present, but in the future. I can picture a life with him, and he the same with me. But he feels as though Brian is "It. I love him so much that I can't even picture my life without him. I love him for him. Flaws and all! And he loves me for the same. I know I'm young, but who's to say that our love isn't true? Who really knows?  Nate mentioned that love is thrown around so often. I agree.

But then I don't want to miss that chance with Brian, but I don't want to hurt Nate or make him feel as if I don't love him. It's this whole crazy crazy thing!!! So what do I do?  Idk... I guess it's back to playing some GH to do some more thinking.

So... yeah... that's how I feel... Indeed...

Hope all is well :)

R.I.P Heath Ledger

IT WASN'T HIS TIME YET!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S HE'S GONE!!! I'm not a HUGE Heath Ledger fan (i did think that he was uber cute after seeing a knight's tale), but to hear that he died totally caught me off guard. It's so tragic *tearz* May he rest in peace (i know... i'm hella late! *lol*). I have A LOT to post about. There are sooooooooooo many things that I have to update about! First off, let's start with sthe move.

Well, things didn't go quite so smooth with my dad. I could no longer take being there. Our difficulties to communicate with each other really didn't help matters much. The fact that I felt like the red headed step-child compared to his doting daughter really set me off. Samantha is always happy and bubbly, and willing to go with whatever her father says. Whether it be right or wrong.

Me... I'm the type of person that likes my quiet time and isn't always in the mood to strike up/hold a conversation at any given time. I'm also the type of person to speak my piece about anything. I wont just sit there and accept anything. Especially if it affects me in a personal way. In other words... I'm not Samantha! My dad expected me to be so. So did the people that he hung around. Everything Sam did was praised, while I was basically looked down upon as the lazy and difficult girl, that just didn't belong in their close knit family. I always felt left out when it came to Sam and my dad. She followed him around like a puppy, and he was always there to pat her on the head and praise her with love. I will admit that I've kind of been pulling away form him (i mentioned this in a recent post of mine), but I still tried to be close to him. Even in the littlest possible ways. Samantha made that impossible.

I guess that it's only fair for them to be close. He wasn't around in her life all too much. I know how it feels to not have your father in your life. I mean... mine wasn't in mine for the major majority of my life. And when he did decide to show his face and step up to the daddy plate, at a time of where I'm about be grown and on my own... he left again (he's in prison for 2 years). So, I'm happy that Sam got a chance to get close to her father, but in doing so... I feel that I've lost the main father figure that I've had in my life. Am I jealous? A lilttle bit. I'm not going to lie about it. It hurt... it HELLA hurt to be in that kinda of situation. So, the best possible remedy was to move back with my mom. Sure it made things hectic for her, and me too, but I couldn't be somewhere like that. Nobody wants to be in a place where you feel that you're left out. I'm in Toledo now. I really wanted to stay to finish school at Inkster High, but things change.

I'm sure my dad didn't intentionally mean to make me feel that way and Sam didn't either, but all will be well in time. Maybe this time away will help my dad and I to come to a realization, and we can become close once again. Only time will tell.

I'm not enrolled in school down here yet (we're having technical difficulties with getting my records from i.h.s), so I've been working on my college essays, looking for jobs, and applying for financial aid. I went to school with my mom yesterday, so I got a taste of college life (community college life) and a chance to get familiarized with the city and it's bus system. I like Toledo! I think I've grown quite fond of it :) 

On to other news. I finally got the scoop on whether I'm an actual senior for the year 2008. I AM!!! I'm just behind by three credits. I was on my way to taking the courses that I needed to graduate, but since I've moved... the requirements might be a little different here in Toledo. Whenever I get enrolled in school, I will definitely get that straightened a.s.a.p.!

I'm confused about what college I actually want to go to. Michigan State is my number one choice and I'm looking into the University of Michigan, but I'm attempting to get as far away from Michigan as possible. My mom suggested applying to her college, Owens Community College, so I did. It's basically an open door policy, so I'm bound to get in. That'll be one college spot that is secure for me. I think I'm going to start at a community college first and then switch to a university in 1 or 2 years anyway. My cousin and aunt in Alabama want me to look into some colleges down there, so that I'll be close to family. My grandmother and great grandmother hinted toward the same. My cousin in Ypsilanti, Mi was trying to guide me in the direction of Uof M and Eastern Michigan. I don't think my dad wants me to leave Michigan, and on top of all of that... Nate is going to college in North Carolina and he hinted towards me going with him. Brian did the same for Norfolk State (he'll be going there next year when he gets out of the marines).

I'M UTTERLY CONFUSED!!! I have many doors open to me, but I don't know which one to go through. My deadlines are coming up quick, and I'm not even set on one college! I have people telling me to go here, go there, come here, think about family, don't choose a college because of a boy... be INDEPENDENT!!! GRR!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well... I kinda do. My decision is leaning, more or less, towards whatever happens with another decision that I made last night. 

I finally made a choice between Brian and Nate... and I chose.... BRIAN!!! I did A LOT  of thinking, and I decided to seize the day (carpe diem), and give it another go around. Am I happy with my choice? Yeah. But I feel bad about not choosing Nate. I have my reasons though (i'm not going to go into detail about those reasons at the moment). I just hope that I made the right pick for all the right reasons. And I hope that Nate and I will still be able to be the bestest of friends, and things wont get "weird" between us. I still love him... I HELLA LOVE HIM! I always will. But... I'm taking my chances with Brian. Like I said... I've done A LOT of thinking, and I have my reasons. So with that said and done, I'm thinking about going to Norfolk.

#1: Norfolk is a HBCU, and I was trying my hardest to not attend one.

I used to want to go to Spelman when I was younger, but then I changed my mind. I want diversity. I want to to be around different people/personalities and cultures.

#2: I'm about to do what many people have told me not to do... choose a college because of a boy.

Yeah... I scolded myself a little bit. If there's one thing that I try to stray away from, it's making decisons based on what others want or because of a boy. So, why am I steering myself down that path? Like I said... I have my reasons. Reasons that I quite don't understand in full myself, but life is about taking chances. If later on I find that my decision is wrong, the only thing that I can do is learn from it and take what I've learned, and move on with life.

I might not go to Norfolk State. I might go to a community college or some other university close by. I don't know right now. If there's another go around for Brian and I, I don't want the whole long distance thing again. It doesn't bother me... but then again it does. Idk! We'll see what happens in the long run. As in the words of Forrest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never Know what you're going to get."

I'm starting to live life in a new way. I'm learning to go which ever way the wind blows. I think that it's about time that I take the wheel and drive. Not saying that I'm leaving logic totally and completely behind, but saying that I'm going to start listening to "ME" I can't live life being scared and regretting not taking the chances in life that I come upon for granted.

Well, I've got to get to work on my essays and applications. Erius didn't have school today, so I have to attend to him while doing so. That should be fun (NOT *lol*)! I've been informed that my transcripts from I.H.S. are in the process of being faxed to my new school, so I'll be starting school soon hopefully. 

Hope all is well in the VOX world :)

OH!!! Imeem is allowing access to embed music on other sites now, so I will begin adding music to my posts now! YAY MUSIC!!! I LOVE MUSIC!!! MUSIC = LIFE!!! Yeah... I'm waaaaayyy too excited about that *lol*

*shrug*

So like, yeah. I'm like, totally out of it right now. I can't think straight, my thoughts are like a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle (confusing as heck),I've got mixed emotions, I can't sleep, I'm going out of my mind. And this is all caused by just one little four letter word. The four letter word that causes you to go hella crazy! The four letter word that brings emotions that are frustrating and painful, but exciting and pleasureful all at the same time! You all know the word! L-OV-E = LOVE!

I finally know that what I've wanted for soooooooooo long could be a probable possibility, but then again... it might not. The way how things are going, it seems pretty certain. But there's one thing in the way that I can't seem to push out of my mind. I'm caught between two loves. My first love and then that love that was the greatest, most fantastic love EVER!

So, here's the deal. Nate is clumsy (aka: falling for/fell for) for another girl. It didn't bother me at first, because truth be told... I didn't really care! I love Nate, but I had someone else on my mind. It didn't bother me until I read a poem that he wrote for her. It made me think about the one that he wrote for me. The one that made me fall head over heels for him (I was already head over heels for him before then, but that poem made me fall even more). The one that made me feel special! The one that made me feel like I was the most lucky girl in the entire universe! The one that made me smile everytime I read it. The one that brought a tear to my eye when I first heard it. Reading "her" poem made me feel... not special anymore. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt :( 

The funny thing is that I posted a poem about Brian in one of my posts (daydreaming), and I thought that it was the best poem that I had EVER written. Without even caring, it replaced the top spot of the poem that i wrote for Nate. So why is it that I felt hurt when he wrote a poem about somebody else, when I did the same? I'm clumsy for somebody else, so why does it bother me that Nate is too?

I've been trying to figure this out, but I can't come up with a justifiable reason. That's half of why I'm soooooooo out of it right now. The other is Brian.

So like, yeah (wait a tick! i've already used that! oh well *lol*). Brian admitted to still loving me and caring for me. He also hinted towards a possibility of a "us" in the future, but he is currently with Elisia. (my mom kept telling me all of this, but i didn't listen to her). First reaction: "WTF?!?!?". When he told me that things would never be the same between us anymore because of the break up... I didn't expect to ever hear him say that! I thought that he cared for me as a friend and that was just it!

The second reaction was: "HOLD ON!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! How do I know that he's fa cereal? I mean SUPER FA CEREAL?". Brian flirts a lot (he's calmed down a bit... or so he says *lol*) and I've heard that he has a past (meaning that he was a player... that word is old *lol*). So trying to decipher whether or not he was speaking the truth, really took some time. My mom knew how I was feeling. Without having to tell her, she just knew! She asked Brian if he was playing or not, and he replied with a: "No!". I was still a bit iffy though. 

We've been talking to each other all week. It feels just like old times :) Soon, my iffiness of him wore off a little bit. I was still unsure about this whole new. and sudden, revelation. Then... that iffiness began to grow a lil' bit more.

He's having issues with Elisia. She is doing a lot of things that kinda makes him feel that she isn't looking for a future in their relationship, and that she's hurting him on purple (purple = purpose... i should start my own language! *lmao*). She hurt him to the point of where he got drunk because he didn't know what to do! Brian has been there a couple of times when I went through some troubles with Nate, so when he asked me to call him... I called. After hearing him out and reading a note that he wrote on Facebook about how he felt, I became instantly pissed!!! Now, I know that I've hurt Brian in the past... but this goes way beyond anything that I did.   

If a man loves you enough to take a big risk (she's 15... he's 22... people are quick to think some things), to put a ring on your finger, get your name tattooed on his arm, to make sure that he can do what he can for you, and get drunk over you.... then why in the "frosty the snowman" would you make him feel as if you don't care? She doesn't call him (she makes time to call everyone, but him), she makes jokes (naughty jokes.... that sounds sooo elementary *lol*) with her males friends on her facebook wall (where brian can see it), and she made a Facebook status hinting to her wanting to break up with him! How is Brian supposed to feel? This isn't the first time that he's mentioned to me about some trouble with Elisia. He's brought how he's felt up to her before, and she's still acting the same way. That makes me think that she really doesn't give a "rip and roarin' fart" about him! That pisses me off!!! Brian is a good boyfriend. He tries his best, and that's all that you can ever ask of him to do because, like everyone else... he's not perfect. He's only human. It took me awhile to come to realize that, and that was after we broke up. Like they say, you never know a good thing unitl it's gone.  

With the problems that he's having with Elisia, I started to think: "What if he's using me because things aren't working out with him and Elisia? Am I just a rebound to him or somethng?".

Brian was talking about his old ways and how maybe this is all karma to him. He can't figure out why this is happening to him. He said that he hasn't done anything. Nothing! I know and trust Brian. I trust in his word, and knew that he wouldn't lie to me or try to play any type of games. For him to come and admit that he has done wrong in the past, and that maybe it is karma, really made me trust in his earlier revelation. He knows that he's made mistakes, and he's not afraid to admit or own up to them.  

Along with this chain of events, I notice something. It's been one whole year since we've known each other! And this is around the time that we first met. It feels like the time that we first met! So, that really got me to thinking. What if this is a second chance opportunity? What if this is a fresh start? Is somebody trying to pull a fast one on me? Or is this fa cereal (if you don't know, cereal = serious *lol*)? That's what the whole poem was about in my post (daydreaming).

So if all of the above questions are a maybe or a yes... then why am I not 100% (well... i was at first... but not anymore) uber excited and satisfied? I couldn't stop talking and thinking about Brian when I was with Nate. All I thought about was how much I regreted breaking up with him, and how I wish that I could do it all over again. Now that I might have the chance, Nate is in the way.

I thought that this whole relationship thing was going to be easy. Boy, was I hella wrong *lol*! It is at first, because you're not attached. But then when you are, that's when things get hella crazy dude *lol*!

Well, I'm off to hopefully catch some Z's. I've gotta go back home to Detroit (i'm visiting my mom. did i mention that before?) later on today, so I wont be updating for a while. But I'll be back soon, so don't miss me too much *lol*

Hope all is well :)