6 posts tagged “poetry”

*shrug*

So like, yeah. I'm like, totally out of it right now. I can't think straight, my thoughts are like a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle (confusing as heck),I've got mixed emotions, I can't sleep, I'm going out of my mind. And this is all caused by just one little four letter word. The four letter word that causes you to go hella crazy! The four letter word that brings emotions that are frustrating and painful, but exciting and pleasureful all at the same time! You all know the word! L-OV-E = LOVE!

I finally know that what I've wanted for soooooooooo long could be a probable possibility, but then again... it might not. The way how things are going, it seems pretty certain. But there's one thing in the way that I can't seem to push out of my mind. I'm caught between two loves. My first love and then that love that was the greatest, most fantastic love EVER!

So, here's the deal. Nate is clumsy (aka: falling for/fell for) for another girl. It didn't bother me at first, because truth be told... I didn't really care! I love Nate, but I had someone else on my mind. It didn't bother me until I read a poem that he wrote for her. It made me think about the one that he wrote for me. The one that made me fall head over heels for him (I was already head over heels for him before then, but that poem made me fall even more). The one that made me feel special! The one that made me feel like I was the most lucky girl in the entire universe! The one that made me smile everytime I read it. The one that brought a tear to my eye when I first heard it. Reading "her" poem made me feel... not special anymore. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt :( 

The funny thing is that I posted a poem about Brian in one of my posts (daydreaming), and I thought that it was the best poem that I had EVER written. Without even caring, it replaced the top spot of the poem that i wrote for Nate. So why is it that I felt hurt when he wrote a poem about somebody else, when I did the same? I'm clumsy for somebody else, so why does it bother me that Nate is too?

I've been trying to figure this out, but I can't come up with a justifiable reason. That's half of why I'm soooooooo out of it right now. The other is Brian.

So like, yeah (wait a tick! i've already used that! oh well *lol*). Brian admitted to still loving me and caring for me. He also hinted towards a possibility of a "us" in the future, but he is currently with Elisia. (my mom kept telling me all of this, but i didn't listen to her). First reaction: "WTF?!?!?". When he told me that things would never be the same between us anymore because of the break up... I didn't expect to ever hear him say that! I thought that he cared for me as a friend and that was just it!

The second reaction was: "HOLD ON!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! How do I know that he's fa cereal? I mean SUPER FA CEREAL?". Brian flirts a lot (he's calmed down a bit... or so he says *lol*) and I've heard that he has a past (meaning that he was a player... that word is old *lol*). So trying to decipher whether or not he was speaking the truth, really took some time. My mom knew how I was feeling. Without having to tell her, she just knew! She asked Brian if he was playing or not, and he replied with a: "No!". I was still a bit iffy though. 

We've been talking to each other all week. It feels just like old times :) Soon, my iffiness of him wore off a little bit. I was still unsure about this whole new. and sudden, revelation. Then... that iffiness began to grow a lil' bit more.

He's having issues with Elisia. She is doing a lot of things that kinda makes him feel that she isn't looking for a future in their relationship, and that she's hurting him on purple (purple = purpose... i should start my own language! *lmao*). She hurt him to the point of where he got drunk because he didn't know what to do! Brian has been there a couple of times when I went through some troubles with Nate, so when he asked me to call him... I called. After hearing him out and reading a note that he wrote on Facebook about how he felt, I became instantly pissed!!! Now, I know that I've hurt Brian in the past... but this goes way beyond anything that I did.   

If a man loves you enough to take a big risk (she's 15... he's 22... people are quick to think some things), to put a ring on your finger, get your name tattooed on his arm, to make sure that he can do what he can for you, and get drunk over you.... then why in the "frosty the snowman" would you make him feel as if you don't care? She doesn't call him (she makes time to call everyone, but him), she makes jokes (naughty jokes.... that sounds sooo elementary *lol*) with her males friends on her facebook wall (where brian can see it), and she made a Facebook status hinting to her wanting to break up with him! How is Brian supposed to feel? This isn't the first time that he's mentioned to me about some trouble with Elisia. He's brought how he's felt up to her before, and she's still acting the same way. That makes me think that she really doesn't give a "rip and roarin' fart" about him! That pisses me off!!! Brian is a good boyfriend. He tries his best, and that's all that you can ever ask of him to do because, like everyone else... he's not perfect. He's only human. It took me awhile to come to realize that, and that was after we broke up. Like they say, you never know a good thing unitl it's gone.  

With the problems that he's having with Elisia, I started to think: "What if he's using me because things aren't working out with him and Elisia? Am I just a rebound to him or somethng?".

Brian was talking about his old ways and how maybe this is all karma to him. He can't figure out why this is happening to him. He said that he hasn't done anything. Nothing! I know and trust Brian. I trust in his word, and knew that he wouldn't lie to me or try to play any type of games. For him to come and admit that he has done wrong in the past, and that maybe it is karma, really made me trust in his earlier revelation. He knows that he's made mistakes, and he's not afraid to admit or own up to them.  

Along with this chain of events, I notice something. It's been one whole year since we've known each other! And this is around the time that we first met. It feels like the time that we first met! So, that really got me to thinking. What if this is a second chance opportunity? What if this is a fresh start? Is somebody trying to pull a fast one on me? Or is this fa cereal (if you don't know, cereal = serious *lol*)? That's what the whole poem was about in my post (daydreaming).

So if all of the above questions are a maybe or a yes... then why am I not 100% (well... i was at first... but not anymore) uber excited and satisfied? I couldn't stop talking and thinking about Brian when I was with Nate. All I thought about was how much I regreted breaking up with him, and how I wish that I could do it all over again. Now that I might have the chance, Nate is in the way.

I thought that this whole relationship thing was going to be easy. Boy, was I hella wrong *lol*! It is at first, because you're not attached. But then when you are, that's when things get hella crazy dude *lol*!

Well, I'm off to hopefully catch some Z's. I've gotta go back home to Detroit (i'm visiting my mom. did i mention that before?) later on today, so I wont be updating for a while. But I'll be back soon, so don't miss me too much *lol*

Hope all is well :)

Show us a snippet of something you're writing.

a little something that i've been working on...

untitled:

afraid to leave behind

all that she has

ever known,

she hesitates to move on.

afraid to take

a chance and fall,

she hinders herself

from spreading her wings

and taking flight.

afraid to seem stupid,

she keeps her voice on mute,

and  lurks in the quiet and safety

of the darkness.

afraid to ever love,

she guards her heart closely

and surrounds herself

with walls to keep

out nay emotions

that might cause her pain....

I wrote 31/2 new poems today! I even wrote on about  my father, which I've been trying to write for almost 17 years! I have 3  posted, and I'll be finishing the last sometime soon.

1. 17 years
2. to you, my new friend (this was in the, "my new buddy/bff", post)
3. is it really worth it? (love hurts)

Hope you enjoy and I hope all is well :)

I think it's official. The Smith family (minus one) is headed for Charlotte, NC! Everybody is super excited! Me... I'm excited and all but... I'm not all too excited about the whole Bobcats thing. I'm not rooting for them. I may buy an Adam Morrison jersey, but that's it. I'm still going to be a Pistons fan. I'm not turning my back on them. That's just crazy!!! *lol* But yes, we're all excited and ready to move. August 18th is still the moving date, but it may change somewhere down the line.

Besides that, nothing much has been going on. There's been a lot of tension around the house lately (i'll elaborate on that one of these days), and everybody is just trying to keep the peace until August 18th. I'm looking into some summer school listings, as we speak, so there may be a chance that I'm going to be graduating next year after all! I've started going back to school, although it's really won't make a difference, but at least I'm trying. I think I have enough credit and stuff to slip past.

Umm... let's see... I have become addicted to a new game *lol* Yes, I have found something, other than guitar hero II, to play. I am now addicted to ScarFace: The World Is Yours. I don't know how I got into that game, but I like it! Unfortunately... i can't play it. Erius destroys everything! But whenever I get some extra money, I'll be getting that and a few other games too (yes, i play video games... a lot!).

Well, I can't think of anything else to say or mention. I guess I'm done. As you can probably tell, nothing has happened around here, that's worth telling.

Well hope all is well with ya'll :)

p.s. (why did i just write that like i'm writing a letter? *lol*) - I now have a poetry site! (Ebonni's Poetry Site That She May Not Write On As Much *lol*)Come check it out whenever you get the chance :)