16 posts tagged “relationships”

I Am Confused

I'm confused about what I want in life. I mean, I know what I want in life as far as what I want to be and where I want to go in life. I'm just not sure about what I want as far as love and relationship wise.

I'm 18 and I've only been in three... two  relationships (i really don't claim that 3rd person... long story *lol*). I'm not complaining about it, but it has me thinking about a lot of things.

You know that whole true love, fairy tale quest that we all (well, most of us) spend our whole lives trying to fulfill? Well, there are times that I think that I've done just that, but then again... I'm not all too sure. I mean... how can I say that it's for sure? Two relationships is not a lot to go on. Or could it be? Could it be true to find your "true" love just like that? I've only heard about it and seen it in stories such as snow white and sleeping beauty. I have sooooooooo many feelings that are making me believe that it could be found in real life.

Sometimes I think to myself: "Ebonni just forget it and move on. There are other guys out there.  I'm sure that what you're feeling right now is just a phase that you'll get over soon enough." So, I tried finding some other guy. There were many nice ones to choose from, but I never wanted to really find someone new. That one guy always kept me from wanting to find someone new. I don't want to let go only to find that he was the "one" all along. So, I hold myself back and blame him for being the reason why I don't know what to do whenever things don't go as i thought that they might.

I don't know what to do. Do I let go and continue my search? Or should I end my search? Is Mr. right sitting right here in front of me? Or is he still out there? Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many things tell me that I've already found him, but I'm not all too sure. How do you tell? Who's to really say?

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm extra sleepy, but I have a lot of things on my mind. It's two something now, and I'll probably be up until at least five or six. Hopefully not. It feels like I've been talking in circles and not making a bit of sense at all *lol*

Hope all is well :)

Frustration! The Game That Drives You POPPING MAD!

Frustration is exactly what I'm feeling right now. I feeling a WHOLE LOT of it!!! Not only do I feel hella frustrated, but I HELLA hurt!!! I can't go back to sleep, I have A LOT of things on my mind, I'm irritable and to the point of where I just want to say, "FLUFF ALL THIS LOVE BULL CRAP!!!!!!!!", because I have had enough of it!

I was talking to Brian last night, and I fell asleep. I finally decided to get off the phone after he called my name (20 times, or so he says) and woke me, I decided that maybe I needed to go to sleep. Before I was headed on my way to the bed, I stopped at the computer for a lil' bit. I logged onto messenger and saw that Nate was on. I say, "hey". We talk about some thing that he's trying to get for his X-BOX and then it gets into this whole thing abou the me and Brian decision (i told him that i was going to give me and brian a try... i went back and forth and decided to go with my first choice). It all started with a question that I asked him.

When I told him about Brian and I, he said, "I guess I'm free now", so I asked him what that meant. He said that he couldn't exactly explain it to me then. I didn't press him further. But I asked if he read my VOX post (i <3 him alot!!! indeed!!! *lol*), because if he meant what I think he meant, then I didn't really feel all to free. After a while he read it already. Then he said this, "How are you thinking about me when you still have feelings for him?".... "You love me blah blah blah..." "I see where you coming from though. I guess I'm taking to long for you". That pushed me over the edge.

So, since I still have feelings for Brian and decided to take a chance with him... I can't think about you? If I wasn't thinking about you, I wouldn't have wrote the post in the first place! I wouldn't have gave a flying "fluff" about how you felt or what you thought. If I wasn't thinking about you, my decision would've been a NO FLUFFING BRAINER!!!! I wouldn't be going bacn and forth. Brian would've have been my first choice without any hesitations. For him to say the second part really hurt the HECK out of me.

It sounded as if he tried to say that I didn't love him or was trying to play some kind of game. I would NEVER tell someone that I love them if I didn't mean it or feel it. I take the phrase seriously and I believe that it is a phrase that shouldn't be thrown around without meaning. so I guess at that point all those poems, the times I spent saying that he was the greatest, and all the times that I said that I loved him... really didn't mean much to him.

I guess me writing a VOX post about me finding it hard to just take another chance with Brian because of him meant that I wasn't thinking about. I guess me saying that I finally decided to just take the chance but he will always be my bestest buddy and mi amor, and that I still loved him didn't mean a GOSH DERN THING EITHER!!!!

I guess he was taking too long for me. I tried to give him chances, but I guess he was just taking too long for me. You say that you love me but you wont take a chance. As much as I dislike long distance relationships, I'm willing to go through it. Because knowing that I have that person in my life makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. If our love is strong and if we have an understanding of each other, then nothing can break that bond that we share. I guess Nate didn't think the same way that I did. Idk...

After Nate said all that he did, I responded back with a very heated answer. He took the hint that I was pissed, and apologized. But I get the feeling that he really doesn't know how I feel at the moment.

I cried, I vented on VOX, I took some times to think, and I guess I'm feeling a bit better. I'm still sticking with my Brian decision. However Nate takes that... then he just takes it. I guess I wasn't considerate enough for him. I tried my best and that's all that I can do. 

The whole thing about me not feeling quite free, was that I didn't want to hurt anybody, and that's what made me confused in this whole thing. Either way I made my decision, somebody would've been hurt. All i was trying to do was make that person know that I loved them no matter what and I still cared about them. I guess I failed in that.

So... like... yeah... Brian is making a trip here next weekend. It's going to be kinda weird because it's been about a year since we last saw each other. It's crazy to think that around this time last year... we were together. When we borke up, neither of us thought that we would be rekindling what we had before. We're both kinda nervous about what will happen when he gets here and where things will go. The question on both of our minds is; Will we last if we get back together?". Nobody knows! At this time, we're just taking things slow (which didn't exactly happen the first time *lol*) and enjoying each other's company on the phone. Whatever happens between us is going to remain a mystery I guess until he gets here. Whatever happens... happens!

Well, I'm trying to not let the whole Nate thing get to me. I better get to bed. I have school, so I've got to get soem rest. Once I lay down, I hope that I will go to sleep A.S.A.P.

Hope all is well :)

Nathaniel Delove Smith ^_^!

If you're wondering about the last part of the title, don't.  It's an inside joke between my little brother (emanuel aka: pokey) and I. But it about sums up how I feel at the moment. I've been doing a lot of some fa cereal thinking, and I revoke the decision that I made between Brian and Nate. After playing some GH (i play video games to help me think... it takes my mind off of whatever I'm thinking about and i find solutions somewhere down the line.) I've come to the conclusion that I fa cereally (... that's not even a real word *lol*) love Nate. Ever since I made the first decision, I felt bad. Nate was all I thought about, and it was killing me. I'm in the process of rekindling a relationship with Brian, something that I've waited for, and I'm not sure if I want to go through with it. I said that I had my reasons for choosing Brian over Nate in my last post. I didn't go into detail about those reasons though. But now I am.

My main reason is based off of this conversation that we had on MSN messenger.

me: hey? remember if i asked you would we still be friends if me and wats his face got back together?
[19:12] Nate Smith: ya
[19:15] me: so we'd still be bestest buddies, and you'd still love me if i got back with wats his face... right?
[19:16] Nate Smith: yeah...love is way past being jealous or wat eva it is ur getting at....
[19:16] Nate Smith: but it wld suck
[19:16] Nate Smith: but yeah
[19:16] Nate Smith: I'm wit u for life boo
*wats his face = brian (that's what nate calls him)

I took what he said as that he will always be there. So my thinking is this... Brian might not and I felt that I needed to take this second chance before it was too late.

My decision was also based upon what my mom said. She told me that I needed someone that was going to support and provide for me. You can't live life on love alone. I thought about what she said and knew that Brian would be able to do so. Brian has a job and seems to be doing well for himself. Any girl would choose him. I was confident in my decision. Or at least I thought I was.

I was talking to Nate today and I couldn't go through with it without me feeling some kind of remorse somewhere down the line. So,  I changed my mind about Brian. A lot of what Nate said to me today made me realize that I <3 HIM A LOT!!! I can see myself with Nate. Not just in the present, but in the future. I can picture a life with him, and he the same with me. But he feels as though Brian is "It. I love him so much that I can't even picture my life without him. I love him for him. Flaws and all! And he loves me for the same. I know I'm young, but who's to say that our love isn't true? Who really knows?  Nate mentioned that love is thrown around so often. I agree.

But then I don't want to miss that chance with Brian, but I don't want to hurt Nate or make him feel as if I don't love him. It's this whole crazy crazy thing!!! So what do I do?  Idk... I guess it's back to playing some GH to do some more thinking.

So... yeah... that's how I feel... Indeed...

Hope all is well :)

R.I.P Heath Ledger

IT WASN'T HIS TIME YET!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S HE'S GONE!!! I'm not a HUGE Heath Ledger fan (i did think that he was uber cute after seeing a knight's tale), but to hear that he died totally caught me off guard. It's so tragic *tearz* May he rest in peace (i know... i'm hella late! *lol*). I have A LOT to post about. There are sooooooooooo many things that I have to update about! First off, let's start with sthe move.

Well, things didn't go quite so smooth with my dad. I could no longer take being there. Our difficulties to communicate with each other really didn't help matters much. The fact that I felt like the red headed step-child compared to his doting daughter really set me off. Samantha is always happy and bubbly, and willing to go with whatever her father says. Whether it be right or wrong.

Me... I'm the type of person that likes my quiet time and isn't always in the mood to strike up/hold a conversation at any given time. I'm also the type of person to speak my piece about anything. I wont just sit there and accept anything. Especially if it affects me in a personal way. In other words... I'm not Samantha! My dad expected me to be so. So did the people that he hung around. Everything Sam did was praised, while I was basically looked down upon as the lazy and difficult girl, that just didn't belong in their close knit family. I always felt left out when it came to Sam and my dad. She followed him around like a puppy, and he was always there to pat her on the head and praise her with love. I will admit that I've kind of been pulling away form him (i mentioned this in a recent post of mine), but I still tried to be close to him. Even in the littlest possible ways. Samantha made that impossible.

I guess that it's only fair for them to be close. He wasn't around in her life all too much. I know how it feels to not have your father in your life. I mean... mine wasn't in mine for the major majority of my life. And when he did decide to show his face and step up to the daddy plate, at a time of where I'm about be grown and on my own... he left again (he's in prison for 2 years). So, I'm happy that Sam got a chance to get close to her father, but in doing so... I feel that I've lost the main father figure that I've had in my life. Am I jealous? A lilttle bit. I'm not going to lie about it. It hurt... it HELLA hurt to be in that kinda of situation. So, the best possible remedy was to move back with my mom. Sure it made things hectic for her, and me too, but I couldn't be somewhere like that. Nobody wants to be in a place where you feel that you're left out. I'm in Toledo now. I really wanted to stay to finish school at Inkster High, but things change.

I'm sure my dad didn't intentionally mean to make me feel that way and Sam didn't either, but all will be well in time. Maybe this time away will help my dad and I to come to a realization, and we can become close once again. Only time will tell.

I'm not enrolled in school down here yet (we're having technical difficulties with getting my records from i.h.s), so I've been working on my college essays, looking for jobs, and applying for financial aid. I went to school with my mom yesterday, so I got a taste of college life (community college life) and a chance to get familiarized with the city and it's bus system. I like Toledo! I think I've grown quite fond of it :) 

On to other news. I finally got the scoop on whether I'm an actual senior for the year 2008. I AM!!! I'm just behind by three credits. I was on my way to taking the courses that I needed to graduate, but since I've moved... the requirements might be a little different here in Toledo. Whenever I get enrolled in school, I will definitely get that straightened a.s.a.p.!

I'm confused about what college I actually want to go to. Michigan State is my number one choice and I'm looking into the University of Michigan, but I'm attempting to get as far away from Michigan as possible. My mom suggested applying to her college, Owens Community College, so I did. It's basically an open door policy, so I'm bound to get in. That'll be one college spot that is secure for me. I think I'm going to start at a community college first and then switch to a university in 1 or 2 years anyway. My cousin and aunt in Alabama want me to look into some colleges down there, so that I'll be close to family. My grandmother and great grandmother hinted toward the same. My cousin in Ypsilanti, Mi was trying to guide me in the direction of Uof M and Eastern Michigan. I don't think my dad wants me to leave Michigan, and on top of all of that... Nate is going to college in North Carolina and he hinted towards me going with him. Brian did the same for Norfolk State (he'll be going there next year when he gets out of the marines).

I'M UTTERLY CONFUSED!!! I have many doors open to me, but I don't know which one to go through. My deadlines are coming up quick, and I'm not even set on one college! I have people telling me to go here, go there, come here, think about family, don't choose a college because of a boy... be INDEPENDENT!!! GRR!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well... I kinda do. My decision is leaning, more or less, towards whatever happens with another decision that I made last night. 

I finally made a choice between Brian and Nate... and I chose.... BRIAN!!! I did A LOT  of thinking, and I decided to seize the day (carpe diem), and give it another go around. Am I happy with my choice? Yeah. But I feel bad about not choosing Nate. I have my reasons though (i'm not going to go into detail about those reasons at the moment). I just hope that I made the right pick for all the right reasons. And I hope that Nate and I will still be able to be the bestest of friends, and things wont get "weird" between us. I still love him... I HELLA LOVE HIM! I always will. But... I'm taking my chances with Brian. Like I said... I've done A LOT of thinking, and I have my reasons. So with that said and done, I'm thinking about going to Norfolk.

#1: Norfolk is a HBCU, and I was trying my hardest to not attend one.

I used to want to go to Spelman when I was younger, but then I changed my mind. I want diversity. I want to to be around different people/personalities and cultures.

#2: I'm about to do what many people have told me not to do... choose a college because of a boy.

Yeah... I scolded myself a little bit. If there's one thing that I try to stray away from, it's making decisons based on what others want or because of a boy. So, why am I steering myself down that path? Like I said... I have my reasons. Reasons that I quite don't understand in full myself, but life is about taking chances. If later on I find that my decision is wrong, the only thing that I can do is learn from it and take what I've learned, and move on with life.

I might not go to Norfolk State. I might go to a community college or some other university close by. I don't know right now. If there's another go around for Brian and I, I don't want the whole long distance thing again. It doesn't bother me... but then again it does. Idk! We'll see what happens in the long run. As in the words of Forrest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never Know what you're going to get."

I'm starting to live life in a new way. I'm learning to go which ever way the wind blows. I think that it's about time that I take the wheel and drive. Not saying that I'm leaving logic totally and completely behind, but saying that I'm going to start listening to "ME" I can't live life being scared and regretting not taking the chances in life that I come upon for granted.

Well, I've got to get to work on my essays and applications. Erius didn't have school today, so I have to attend to him while doing so. That should be fun (NOT *lol*)! I've been informed that my transcripts from I.H.S. are in the process of being faxed to my new school, so I'll be starting school soon hopefully. 

Hope all is well in the VOX world :)

OH!!! Imeem is allowing access to embed music on other sites now, so I will begin adding music to my posts now! YAY MUSIC!!! I LOVE MUSIC!!! MUSIC = LIFE!!! Yeah... I'm waaaaayyy too excited about that *lol*

*shrug*

So like, yeah. I'm like, totally out of it right now. I can't think straight, my thoughts are like a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle (confusing as heck),I've got mixed emotions, I can't sleep, I'm going out of my mind. And this is all caused by just one little four letter word. The four letter word that causes you to go hella crazy! The four letter word that brings emotions that are frustrating and painful, but exciting and pleasureful all at the same time! You all know the word! L-OV-E = LOVE!

I finally know that what I've wanted for soooooooooo long could be a probable possibility, but then again... it might not. The way how things are going, it seems pretty certain. But there's one thing in the way that I can't seem to push out of my mind. I'm caught between two loves. My first love and then that love that was the greatest, most fantastic love EVER!

So, here's the deal. Nate is clumsy (aka: falling for/fell for) for another girl. It didn't bother me at first, because truth be told... I didn't really care! I love Nate, but I had someone else on my mind. It didn't bother me until I read a poem that he wrote for her. It made me think about the one that he wrote for me. The one that made me fall head over heels for him (I was already head over heels for him before then, but that poem made me fall even more). The one that made me feel special! The one that made me feel like I was the most lucky girl in the entire universe! The one that made me smile everytime I read it. The one that brought a tear to my eye when I first heard it. Reading "her" poem made me feel... not special anymore. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt :( 

The funny thing is that I posted a poem about Brian in one of my posts (daydreaming), and I thought that it was the best poem that I had EVER written. Without even caring, it replaced the top spot of the poem that i wrote for Nate. So why is it that I felt hurt when he wrote a poem about somebody else, when I did the same? I'm clumsy for somebody else, so why does it bother me that Nate is too?

I've been trying to figure this out, but I can't come up with a justifiable reason. That's half of why I'm soooooooo out of it right now. The other is Brian.

So like, yeah (wait a tick! i've already used that! oh well *lol*). Brian admitted to still loving me and caring for me. He also hinted towards a possibility of a "us" in the future, but he is currently with Elisia. (my mom kept telling me all of this, but i didn't listen to her). First reaction: "WTF?!?!?". When he told me that things would never be the same between us anymore because of the break up... I didn't expect to ever hear him say that! I thought that he cared for me as a friend and that was just it!

The second reaction was: "HOLD ON!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! How do I know that he's fa cereal? I mean SUPER FA CEREAL?". Brian flirts a lot (he's calmed down a bit... or so he says *lol*) and I've heard that he has a past (meaning that he was a player... that word is old *lol*). So trying to decipher whether or not he was speaking the truth, really took some time. My mom knew how I was feeling. Without having to tell her, she just knew! She asked Brian if he was playing or not, and he replied with a: "No!". I was still a bit iffy though. 

We've been talking to each other all week. It feels just like old times :) Soon, my iffiness of him wore off a little bit. I was still unsure about this whole new. and sudden, revelation. Then... that iffiness began to grow a lil' bit more.

He's having issues with Elisia. She is doing a lot of things that kinda makes him feel that she isn't looking for a future in their relationship, and that she's hurting him on purple (purple = purpose... i should start my own language! *lmao*). She hurt him to the point of where he got drunk because he didn't know what to do! Brian has been there a couple of times when I went through some troubles with Nate, so when he asked me to call him... I called. After hearing him out and reading a note that he wrote on Facebook about how he felt, I became instantly pissed!!! Now, I know that I've hurt Brian in the past... but this goes way beyond anything that I did.   

If a man loves you enough to take a big risk (she's 15... he's 22... people are quick to think some things), to put a ring on your finger, get your name tattooed on his arm, to make sure that he can do what he can for you, and get drunk over you.... then why in the "frosty the snowman" would you make him feel as if you don't care? She doesn't call him (she makes time to call everyone, but him), she makes jokes (naughty jokes.... that sounds sooo elementary *lol*) with her males friends on her facebook wall (where brian can see it), and she made a Facebook status hinting to her wanting to break up with him! How is Brian supposed to feel? This isn't the first time that he's mentioned to me about some trouble with Elisia. He's brought how he's felt up to her before, and she's still acting the same way. That makes me think that she really doesn't give a "rip and roarin' fart" about him! That pisses me off!!! Brian is a good boyfriend. He tries his best, and that's all that you can ever ask of him to do because, like everyone else... he's not perfect. He's only human. It took me awhile to come to realize that, and that was after we broke up. Like they say, you never know a good thing unitl it's gone.  

With the problems that he's having with Elisia, I started to think: "What if he's using me because things aren't working out with him and Elisia? Am I just a rebound to him or somethng?".

Brian was talking about his old ways and how maybe this is all karma to him. He can't figure out why this is happening to him. He said that he hasn't done anything. Nothing! I know and trust Brian. I trust in his word, and knew that he wouldn't lie to me or try to play any type of games. For him to come and admit that he has done wrong in the past, and that maybe it is karma, really made me trust in his earlier revelation. He knows that he's made mistakes, and he's not afraid to admit or own up to them.  

Along with this chain of events, I notice something. It's been one whole year since we've known each other! And this is around the time that we first met. It feels like the time that we first met! So, that really got me to thinking. What if this is a second chance opportunity? What if this is a fresh start? Is somebody trying to pull a fast one on me? Or is this fa cereal (if you don't know, cereal = serious *lol*)? That's what the whole poem was about in my post (daydreaming).

So if all of the above questions are a maybe or a yes... then why am I not 100% (well... i was at first... but not anymore) uber excited and satisfied? I couldn't stop talking and thinking about Brian when I was with Nate. All I thought about was how much I regreted breaking up with him, and how I wish that I could do it all over again. Now that I might have the chance, Nate is in the way.

I thought that this whole relationship thing was going to be easy. Boy, was I hella wrong *lol*! It is at first, because you're not attached. But then when you are, that's when things get hella crazy dude *lol*!

Well, I'm off to hopefully catch some Z's. I've gotta go back home to Detroit (i'm visiting my mom. did i mention that before?) later on today, so I wont be updating for a while. But I'll be back soon, so don't miss me too much *lol*

Hope all is well :)

Love

“Beginning is easy - continuing hard” -Japanese Proverb

Once you start loving someone, you never stop loving them. Beginning to love them is easy. But at times, continuing to love them is hard because you're afraid to lose them. Even when you do lose them, continuing to love continues to be hard because you don't want to dwell on what used to be. But the more you try not to love, the more you do (that seems mixed up... oh well... carry on). Remember when I said that I wanted to fall in love (if not, then here's the post)? Well, I got what I wanted.

I've only been in three relationships, and I've been struck by cupid's arrow in two of them. The first time was horrible! I fell head over heels fa seriously! It was one scary and wild ride! The second time, I felt that I had this whole love thing down in two tries. I fell head over heels once more, but it wasn't even scary. It felt right!

Looking back on those two relationships, and past posts about my Brian phase, I had to ask myself: "Was I really in love? Or did I think that I was in love?". Other times, I have to ask myself: "Am I crazy?".

For one thing, I know that it was definitely love that I was feeling in both relationships. I didn't "think" that I was "in love". I knew that I was! When you're in love, you know it! You this feeling that you can't explain, but you like it. It strange and exciting. It brings both pain and pleasure. It's frickin' amazing dude!!!!!!!!!!

For another thing, I have to ask myself if I'm crazy or not because after reading over my Brian phase posts, I look at myself like: "Ebonni... you were trippin' on E fa seriously!". Then I  look at  me now, and how I feel about Nate, and I'm starting to  lok at myself the same way.  But there's a difference between the two.

With Brian, I had too many  emotions that I couldn't comprehend. I was crazy for him. He is my first love. I loved him for him, but then I loved him for some other things too. Because of those other things, I loved him out of curiosity. I loved him because  he made me feel things that I didn't know that I was capable of feeling.  When we broke up, I thought that the world was going to end because I felt that I wouldn't be able to find someone that could make me feel the way that he did. But then Nate came along.

With Nate, I felt that same exact feeling. But it was ten times better! I don't know. I liked him instantly. He loves being himself, and I loved him for it that. With him, I felt that I could be myself. I was comfortable with him. He was my friend, and so much more.  We connected sooooooooo fast! Brian and I had some things in common, but Nate and I had A LOT IN COMMON.  He was cool peoples. At first I couldn't see him being more than just a friend, but then things changed fast.

After he wrote that poem for me, things changed. I started to fall for him. I kept feeling butterflies in my stomach whenever we talked our touched. He made me laugh (even when he wasn't trying). He put a smile on face each and everyday.

In a way, I guess that you can say that I thought we were meant  for each other! I know that sounds liked obsessed stalker mode, but I can't explain any other way. I'm kinda iffy when it comes to destiny and all that, but we felt right!  When Nate came along, Brian was no longer the object of my affection. But I tried hard to make stay that way though. Because he was my first love, I was still holding on somewhat tightly.

But anywho... Yeah... I thought Nate and I were going to be together "forever". I could picture spending the rest of my life with him. LITERALLY! I thought that until we broke up. My little heart was crushed worst than when I broke up with Brian.

When it happened, I didn't really care. I tried to brush it off as if it were nothing. I knew that it was coming sooner or later, to be honest. Then he said those words (i love you)! And then I realized that I couldn't just brush this off, because I actually loved him back. For him to say those words, meant to me that what we had wasn't just a phase. IT WAS FA SERIOUS!!!!!

I cant remember Brian ever saying those words after we broke up. When we broke up, it seemed as if we never really had anything going o between on previously. It was as if it never happened. It was as if I somehow went back into time and refused to be more than just friends with him, and we just continued as friends and nothing more. I loved him, but did he love me?

After Nate and I broke up, I dated someone else (for a short little while. i'll tell more about how kevale and i split later). I really liked Kevale. I wanted to be with him, but I really didn't. I didn't really feel a connection with him. Being with him wasn't like being with Nate, and I guess I set myself up for disappointed when I figured that it would. Don't get me wrong, Kevale was is a GREAT guy, but I don't think that he was for me. But I still believe that Nate was. Then again, I don't.

A Fellow VOX neighbour of mine ,Fictional Girl, mentioned something about extraneous roots (meaning: where two equations/things seem perfect for each other on the outside. but when you put them together, they just don't fit) in a post of hers. Nate and I seemed perfect for each other. We were great as friends, but things didn't bode so well when we become more than that. How can two people that seem perfect for each other seem imperfect for each other? It's hella (dern my brother and his california slang) crazy!!!! Can that even be possible? I think that sometimes, and then I go back to my original theory (we were meant to be together).

 If we are perfect for each other and if we have these strong feelings for each other, how did we fail? How didn't we succeed? I try out a different hypothesis, day in and day out, to figure out how we came to the conclusion that we ended up at. Here are a few of them:

Hypothesis #1: Long distance = Stress on relationship
Hypothesis #2: We both still have some baggage that we can't seem to let go (read: brian and holly)
Hypothesis #3:  He lost interest in me and found someone else

The list could go on! And the more that it does, the more that I continue to look at myself like" "EBONNI!!! YOU'RE HELLA TRIPPIN' ON E!!!

Sometimes I think to myself, maybe we should give it a try again. I think f telling him these time and time again whenever I talk to him, but I stop myself time and time again. Not because I can't find the words to say or because I'm scared. But because I'm not sure if he wants the same.

He seems quite happy and content with being single (he has a fan club t school *lol*), and after stopping to check his VOX today, he seems far from the thinking what I'm thinking.

Maybe we were meant for each other, but in a different way. Maybe we were destined to be great friends, and not lovers. May be we were destined to be lovers, but maybe this wasn't our time to become that just yet. Nobody knows for sure. All I can really do is just thank god that I have him in my life now. Even if he's just a friend.

Yeah know, I thought of something the other day. I never had an official song to describe my love phases. Well, I had Like That by JoJo For Brian and I. I never had one for Nate and I. Well, now that I think about it, my love for Nate is like this:

Hello my VOX fam! Yes, I am alive and well. I'm just going through a time of where I have limited internet connections. I no longer have the internet, so I haven't really been on much anymore. Have I got A LOT!!!! of things to share! A lot has happened since I last posted anything. Well, it may not seem like a lot to ya'll, but it's a lot to me.

First off, I have a new "man" in my life (umm.. it shocked me too! *lol*)! But before I get to that I should probably elaborate on how it got to that, because I know that a few of you are probably looking pretty confused and asking yourself, "What happened to Nate?" Well, Nate and I decided to go back to being just friends. Things felt different between us and the difference made us both a little bit uncomfortable.

How am I taking this break up compared to the break up that I had with Brian? I'm taking it pretty good. It hurts because I like Nate a little bit more than a friend. Yeah, he's my buddy and all, but I don't know. Like I said, I love him. Truly and Honestly (aren't those the same? *lol*), but I guess we weren't meant to be more than just friends. Maybe we were, but maybe just not at this particular point in time.

Now, back to the new "man" in my life. Let's see. Well, for starters, his name is Kevale (he has a twin). He's 17, he goes to my school, and of course he's a senior just like me! I met him in JROTC drill practice. It's a funny story of how we got together.

Apparently Kevale really liked me after seeing me at a senior meeting and at drill practice. He told my friend, Dembo, and my sister Samantha. It got back to me and Kevale's friend, Josh, had been trying to hook us up ever since Kevale said that he liked me. I was still with Nate at the time, so I was not all that interrested in Kevale. Everybody pushed us to be together. Kevale seemed like a very cool guy, so I gave him a chance (as a friend and nothing more than that). After getting to know him, I started to get a little rush I guess. When Nate and I broke up, I decided that I wasn't going to be in another relationship for a while. I still had (have) feelings for Nate. One weekend, Kevale invited me to the movies. I took the invitation. Somewhere during that night I decided to take a chance/risk. My decision changed and Kevale and I ended up together!

Things are going GREAT! Kevale is so sweet. He's a really laid back and cool guy. He has big goals and plans for the future. He's the BC (battalion commander) of our JROTC Battalion. He's going to the National Guard. He plans to go to college for.... I forgot! Wow! Some girlfriend I am *lol* But anywayz... he has a job and a car, and get ths.... HE CAN COOK!!!! ACTUALLY COOK!!! FOR REAL COOK!!!!  (i think that's what hooked me *lol*).

I'm now known amongst the ROTC members as  "Little Kevale" *lol* Everybody was shocked to find that we were together because Kevale has only hd two girlfriends before me, who were younger and quite immature, so they were surprsed for him to be with someone like me (meaning, by what they say, older, mature, dramaless, and smart). Everybody's happy for us, and I think that I'm happy with this risk that I took.

Of course everyone isn't happy though. Kevale's ex-girlfriend, Iesha, is mad at me because she really, really,really LIKES Kevale, and she still wants to be with him, and he broke up with her to be with me (from what i heard). I understand how she feels, because I wen through that but I never took it ot on anybody else. She's doesn't like me. I have done nothing to her! She talks about me behind my back and in front of my face, and it hurts. I've always been nice to her whenever we talked, and she seemed nice too. Now she's this totally different person! I'm trying to not let it get to me. It's helpful that everyone in ROTC has my back. Including Iesha's brother.

Have I forgotten all about Nate? Nope! I still think about him and it still hurts, but it great that I have him as a friend. I couldn't bear to think what life would be like without him at all. My feelings for him are still there, and they're still very strong. Once you love someone, that love never goes away. He's my laughter and he's one of my favorite people in the whole wide world :)!!!!!

So, yeah... things are going good.I'm enjoying school, I;m enjoying life, and I'm happy. I'm passing all my classes, but I still need to take some missing classes. I'm getting ready to take my second ACT, and I'm still trying to narrow down my college options. I think I'm going for EMU, because they offer a lot of great opportunities and benefits for the field of study that I want to go in, which is elementary education. EMU is one of the BEST schools in Michigan if you want to go into teaching. I've already applied, and hopefully I'll make it in (wish me luck guys!). If MSU or U of M doesn't take me, then that's my other primary choice. CMU, WMU, and WSU are my other choices.

I was going to go to college out of state. but I changed my mind. I want to go to college in Ohio, so that I'll be closer to my mommy, but I'm still thinking about. This is all so confusing. I thought being a senior would be fun. Boy was I ever wrong *lol*

Speaking of Ohio. I'm in Ohio now visiting my mommy! Yeah, I decided to stay behind with my dad. My mom now resides in Toledo, Ohio with my little brother Erius. Not having my mom around is hard. She's been my safety net since forever, and she's all that I've ever known. But there comes a time in life that we all have to learn to make it on our own without the hand of our parents to guide us. I have come to that point in my life. It is time for me to take charge and learn to be independent. Of course my mommy will always be there by my side, but  I have to learn how to make it on my own. I'll be living on my own in less than five months. It's time for me to let go and be strong on my own.

Things with my dad and I are getting better. Our relationship is still rocky, but we're working it out. I think that we can  make it. I love my daddy :)!!!!!

Umm... is there anything else? Well, I think that's it. I'm sleepy. It's like one something in the morning. I've been working my butt off all week and I havent really gotten to rest. So, I'm about to take a trip on the sleepy time express and I'll see ya'll in the a.m.

Hope all is well :)

Quicksand Sign

"Some people fall in love,
and touch the sky.
Some people fall i love,
and find quicksand.
I hover somewhere in between.
I swear,
I can't make up my mind."

-Incubus (quicksand)

My relationship is still "complicated" I guess. I asked (well texted) Nate yesterday if we were still complicated... and I basically got nothing from him. All I got was a ... back. WHAT THE FLIP SAUNDERS IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?!?!? To me, that tells me that he either doesn't know, or doesn't want to answer the question. You know what? I'm just about ready to call it quits. And I'm not joking this time!

The reason that our relationship is complicated, according to Nate, is because of the questions that I asked him. He didn't know what was going on in our relationship. Last week, I asked him these questions, out of curiosity:

1. Are you happy? (as in happy with our relationship)

2. Do you want to be together anymore?

I asked these questions, out of curiosity, because these were things that I was thinking about. The first question came about when I thought about what he said when we first got together. "Things are going to be different now."  That's what he said. After being together for a while, I wanted to know if he still felt the same. I wanted to know if he was happy with our relationship. It's better to ask and make sure, instead of walking through life thinking all is fine and then one day everything just turns out to be not fine (does that make sense?).

The second question came about because I was thinking about some things that he said. Like I've mentioned before, Nate can say some stuff that can really hurt the "higgly puff" out of me. Not intentionally of course. Nate wouldn't say or do anything that would intentionally hurt me, because he would beat himself up about it. He would feel extremely bad that he hurt me. But anywho, some things that Nate says, even if joking, hurts me. I guess some things that I say may hurt him too.

There are times that I feel that  we would've been better off with just being friends. And then there are times that I feel that maybe we can work through this. There is many a time that I think that maybe Nate feels the same way. And like I mentioned in the post about my craptastic day, I can't hold on to something that doesn't want to be kept. I guess that question also came about because of some things that I was feeling.

I haven't seen Nate since the beginning of last month. He "lives" in Sterling Heights with his grandmother, so that he can go to school, and he "lives" with his dad (who lives in detroit) over the weekends. The last time that he went to his dad's house was in the beginning of September. That was the last time that I saw him. I've tried to see him since then, but my attempts have failed. This is starting to feel like a long distance relationship.

My first relationship was a long distance relationship (chico/mikey), and that didn't work out so well. i wasn't exactly happy, although I knew what I was getting myself into from the start. I guess I wasn't affected by it as first, but it began to get to me over time. To not be able to see the person that you love whenever you want is a frustrating thing. To want to be in the arms of the person that you love, but knowing that you can't, is disappointing. It's a hard thing to deal with. Seeing what happened to Brian and I, because of a long distance relationship, I tend to think that the same will happen to me and Nate. So, that's how that second question came about.

Does it make sense that I asked these questions? Because the more I think about it, I start to ask myself, "Why in the world did you ask these questions? Was it really necessary?"  Would things have turned out differently if I wouldn't have asked those questions? Or would things have ended up as they are now even without the questions? I have been thinking a lot in terms of our relationship. He has been doing the same too from what he told me, and I guess all this thinking is what's making us "complicated".

"If she really loves me like she says she does, then why is she asking all these questions?". That's what Nate said. To have someone question your love, hurts. I love Nate, and If I really didn't want to be with him, I would've broken up with him a while ago, instead of wasting my time with asking questions.  Man, curiosity makes things worse than they already are. But you never know things unless you ask. I wanted to know the answers to these questions, and I got more than what i really wanted.

As the verse at the top of the post mentions (i love incubus!), I'm hovering somewhere between finding quicksand and touching the sky. I look at our relationship, right now, as being in quicksand. It looks as if it's sinking. And it's sinking fast too. Will it continue to sink into the unknown, or will we rise above our problems and continue to rise in love? I have so many things running through my mind.This would all be easier if I could just talk to him, but I don't know how to start. I can't find the words. I tired last night, but all I did was sat on the phone saying nothing. I knew what i wanted to say, but couldn't say it.

My mom brought up a very good point this morning. She said, "Why do you want to hold onto Nate?". The first thing that came to mind was: "Because he makes me laugh... I don't know... It's hard to explain!". she said that that was a cop out answer. My mom said that we try to hold onto to people because we think that we need something from them. And once we find what the "something" is, then things will become a lot clearer to us. I had this same problem with Chico/Mikey. Why am I trying to hold onto Nate? I have been thinking about that since my mom brought it up. Then I heard a song by Beyonce and I thought back to when I first met Nate, and my answer came to me.

I love Nate because he is Nate Smith! Meaning that he is him, and just loves being him. He doesn't try to be anything that he's not. He's focused on things that really matter, like school, instead of trying to get money and running in the streets. He's learned from his mistakes and he tries to make a difference in life. He has goals, and a plan for life. He loves me for me! That's why I love Nate and that's why I want to be with him. I guess I'm holding on to him, because I might not ever find someone like him again.

I guess love just wouldn't be love without all the complications huh? Why is love so hard?  Why couldn't it be like in the movies? Why couldn't love be like the love that Noah and Ally had in The Notebook? Although they had complications, everything came out okay. They worked through their problems, and all was right with the world.

Well, I guess I should go and get my day started. Today is going to be a busy day. Hopefully things will get easier along the way. Whatever happens, happens. And all I can do is except it and move on with life.

Hope all is well :)

Frustration

*sigh* I think my relationship is close to an end. I missed the Piston's open practice. I MISSED SCRUBS!!!!! This day is just GREAT!!! And I mean that with all the sarcasm that I can muster. This day is frickin' craptastic! The thing that really keeps getting to me, is the me missing scrubs part. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT! SCRUBS MAKES ME HAPPY ^_^! I NEED MY SCRUBS EVERY DAY! *lol* But seriously, the part about my relationship is what keeps getting to me.

I don't know what the "fluff" is going on. Apparently my relationship is complicated. Well, according to Nate. I found that out when I logged into Facebook, and read his profile, after seeing that I was no longer in a relationship with Nate Smith. First he switched his status to single. Then in an open relationship. and finally in a complicated relationship. To me, that sounds like there is something going on that I'm not exactly sure about. After seeing that, I didn't know how to feel about my relationship with Nate anymore.

Dang! Is it that he's tired of being with me? Is it that there is someone else, and the same thing that happened to Holly (his ex) is now going to happen to me? Is Holly the other person? Did he really want to be in a relationship with me for real? Does he really love me like he says he does, or was it that fake "love"? Is it that he doesn't have the same feeling for me that he did before? What is it? What the "flip saunders" happened?

The more I try to not let this whole thing get to me, the more I let it. I can't stop wondering: What did I do? What went wrong? Are we really close to the end? These same questions keep running through my mind.  I'm really letting this get to me. I don't know how to feel, think, or what to do!

I guess you can say that I can't really be too upset at this, because I felt it happening. Things just weren't the same. He hardly called anymore, and we found less and less things to talk about on the phone. Things have felt different from since we were friends. Not different in a bad way to me, but I guess it felt different in a bad way to him. Man! I'm soooooooo mixed up right now!

Whatever is going on, I hope that we are able to work out whatever and find some kind of happy median in our relationship. Like I've mentioned before, I really, really, really, really like Nate. He makes me happy.He makes me laugh all the time. He's my buddy ^_^! And I don't want to lose my buudy.

Trying to explain how Nate makes me feel is like me trying to figure out how to explain the sport of curling. It's confusing and really doesn't make that much sense to me either *lol* It's this whole crazy, crazy, thing (that was for you mom)! I don't know why I feel this way about Nate. It's scary. I've only known him for about... 5 months... I think. and we've been together for almost 2 months. How the "higgly puff" did I fall for him sooooooooooo fast? It's scary, but then again it's not. I feel comfortable with Nate. Falling so fast for him wasn't as scary as it was when I was with Chico/Mikey.

Like I said. I'm willing to work things out, but if he wants to go... I can't do anything but let him go. I can't continue to hold on to something that doesn't want to be kept. As in the words of G.K. Chesterton: "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." No one wants to lose someone that they love, but we all realize that we might sooner or later. If I realize this, why does it still hurt?

Well, I guess I'll get to see Tayshaun Prince and the rest of the Pistons some other time. I'm still disappointed because I have been looking forward to open practice since last year, when I first found out about it. I really wanted to go. But, I'll get over it in about a couple of years or so *lol* As for me getting over missing scrubs... I wont ever get over that. You guys just don't understand. Scrubs is my life! *lmao*

Well, I'm about to go chill out and write and listen to some music. I have a lot on my mind. I release some of my worries by playing the video game, but Sonic Adventure 2 Battle can only take away so much of my stress. That games can get pretty boring, and there aren't any other games to play (i hope santa brings me an x box 360 this year, and at least 2 games like GH or Halo *lol*).

Hope all is well :)